Do not buy that. No, do not buy that either. Do you need it? No, no you do not. What could you possibly do with a wine decanter. You don’t throw dinner parties. You don’t need to air your wine. Most of the time you don’t even need a glass for God’s sake, so no, do not buy that fancy ass but absolutely beautifully sophisticated wine decanter. There’s nothing sophisticated about the way you drink wine, let’s be honest.
Oh good lord, no, do not buy the poncho. You will never wear a poncho. Who the hell even came up with the poncho? It’s just like a blanket with a head hole. Wait, that’s kind of genius – no! Do not buy it. Black Friday is getting to you. Black Friday is to blame. You know damn well that every store you’re looking at bumped up their prices two weeks ago just to give you a fantastic saving today. How dumb are you? Forget about the poncho.
And Christ alive, do not even look at that blender. You already have a blender. Yes, it is the biggest pain in the ass to clean and assemble, and yes it leaks half the time, and yes it’s probably nearly electricuted you on several occasions, but it works…kind of. It may give you anger management issues but the blades still spin so you do not need a new blender, ok? It’s only £18.99 – no, fuck the blender. Take a step away from the laptop. Put down your phone. You have a problem, seek help.
No, fucking hell, do not buy that. No. No!